I want to preface this by saying, I’m not married. I most likely won’t be for a while.
This most recent dating experience has caused me to stop and reflect on my wants and needs. Really to become more self aware and rationalize with myself. I have never understood more the expression, communication is key before this relationship.
I am writing this now because my current partner has forced me to come to some realizations. They, in fact, have become like a mirror. Needless to say I am less than impressed with what I am seeing. My lack of open communication is hindering personal and professional growth. I get stuck with ruminating thoughts of despair when things aren’t half as bad as I’ve determined them to be. I have noticed habits and patterns that I am not only ashamed of, but have also become new talking points for my therapist. My mirror has exposed sides of me that I wished to keep under wraps until I die. I imagine this hard look at self doesn’t usually come up so quickly, fortunately for me though, it has become a reoccurring talking point in the last few months.
One of the key developments in this reckoning has been my own lack of follow through. I never realized how difficult it was for me to follow through on a project, or even plans until my mirror appeared, in some ways, out of thin air. They came in and quickly noticed the parts of me that run, hide and shut down completely. They rarely chase (even when I want them to) and they leave me to ponder my questions in quiet and alone. I think that’s why I get so frustrated. I’m discovering that I hate being alone but, have expressed to those around me that it is my preferred state. Have you ever done that? surely you have. It’s like the classic like “I’m fine” when you clearly aren’t. Unfortunately, I have been so convincing that I am nearly always left alone. I’ve feigned independence for so long that I am lonely. A self inflicted lonely person. I realize that part isn’t unique.
A new project that I am embarking on is habit forming. I am one that like to listen to all kinds of YouTube videos and podcasts in hope that some of the information will somehow just rub off on me without the need for application. Clearly that doesn’t happen without any direction. This is where habit forming will need to come in. For example, I started this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings about what I experience everyday and I can’t even seem to keep up with it. Fortunately for me, I can change that. My new goal will be to dedicate myself to writing one piece a month. That really isn’t a lot for me considering how much I like to write, and how often I do so, so I think it is attainable. And, if for some reason I cant’t do it, I’m sure that my trusty mirror will speak their mind and let me know.
A mirror can be anyone or anything. A spouse, significant other, pet, parent or friend. This mirror in particular for me has been someone who presses me to take the next step, but also will inquire as the months pass since my last spurt of inspiration. They never fail in supporting my creative outlets and don’t get critical when I fail to follow through. This mirror ultimately knows that I can accomplish more than what I have so far and wants to see me win in habit forming in all areas of my life. And for that I am greatly appreciative. Seeing myself through my mirror is hard, but at least it’s character building. Each time I see more of the same I’m reminded how much more I could be accomplishing and I like that. It isn’t low pressure but it also isn’t urgent. It’s growth and assistance at a pace I am slightly uncomfortable with and new challenges everyday. New reminders of goals that may have fallen by the wayside. Looking at myself critically is difficult, challenging and much needed. While it may be disappointing at times, I am glad that I have someone to remind me of all my dreams, goals, and aspirations. That person is of course me, and the person holding the mirror.