I’m Pregnant.

That’s how I start every new conversation with a guy I have a crush on. Well, I also say it as an ice breaker. And a greeting. Also a closer. As you probably already know, it often times times catches people very off guard. It simultaneously loosens me up. Take last Monday for example. I met up with a new female friend for coffee. Upon initial meeting, it was clear that we both dressed for the occasion of finally getting out of the house. We hit it off BIG TIME. She was asking me all these deep questions about my goals and aspirations. I was flattered and thoroughly enjoying the conversation, but I felt like it was time for a break.

Now I want to warn you, this next part is all in the delivery. Know your audience, but for the best reactions, say it with a completely straight face or through text. You yourself though have to have the upmost self control. If you smile, laugh, cry, or come off as disingenuous while delivering this delicious morsel of information to a person you have deemed a new friend or potential romantic interest, things will get very weird very fast.

I breathed in slowly and on the exhale with all the gentleness I could muster said, “I’m pregnant.” I could tell she was trying her hardest to gauge if I was happy or sad about this information. After all we are basically strangers. This was only our first friendly meet up. She was also probably trying to put together the facts.

Her face was priceless. That’s what I live for in these moments. I know this isn’t the best way to let people know you like them but it’s my way. One day my communication skills will improve, but until then I wanna laugh. Anyway, she chose not to respond with anything but an ominous “ok” and I had to say “I’m kidding.” Boo. Not the interaction I was going for but oh well.

The responses I have received are wide ranging. They start at “congratulations” and have gone all the way to being ghosted. To be honest, sharing that I’m with child is better than what I was doing. I had a date a couple of months ago and my old line was “I have four kids.” The responses to that question were exclusively ghosting.

I thought it was funny. One day it won’t be a joke but until then, I’m pregnant.

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